


Lonely (When You Can't Sleep)

by euhemeria



Series: And, In Sign of Ancient Love, Their Plighted Hands They Join [87]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Motherhood, Personal Growth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:48:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27077533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euhemeria/pseuds/euhemeria
Summary: What she did not expect was the ways in which having her own child has been healing, has helped her to understand what her mother did right, and helped her, too, to see the ways in which her mother failed her, and the things which the Crisis took from the both of them.  These days, Fareeha and Ana get along well, for they have worked hard to move past the pain of their past, and they never stopped caring for each other—but there were still wounds that repairing their relationship could not fully heal, and Fareeha finds that raising her own daughter has been the balm she did not know she needed.Or,Motherhood changes Fareeha in ways she could not have anticipated.
Relationships: Fareeha "Pharah" Amari/Angela "Mercy" Ziegler
Series: And, In Sign of Ancient Love, Their Plighted Hands They Join [87]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/508281
Comments: 5
Kudos: 17





	Lonely (When You Can't Sleep)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bigsleepy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigsleepy/gifts).



> its that time of year again... my best friends birthday! technically, their birthday was yesterday, but i sent them this before i posted it (so, yesterday when it was still their birthday) then spent like 20 years trying to figure out how to tag this and what line to use for the summary. which is why i texted them this fic. yes texted. i did not send a file like a reasonable human being and i never do. they get 10k word fic texts from me with no formatting and tolerate that shit... so clearly i can never let them go bc a friend like that is truly one of a kind. anyway happy bday skitch!!!! ily
> 
>  **tiny notes before u read:**  
>  \- if u havent read my other fics that mention izzah--shes deaf. its not brought up in the fic specifically but there is a mention of signing at one point and thats why  
> \- also this takes place quite a few years forwards in time (8) so ovw is legitimate again and theyre expanding the new ovw headquarters  
> \- u can basically read all my fics completely out of order but if u wanna know who izzah is i rec going back and reading [this fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18603319), bc i do make reference to the events of it. but u dont have to bc again, i make sure things i post mostly stand alone/are self-explanatory

At some point in their lives, most people have cause to feel lonely. Fareeha, perhaps more than many others, has been in situations which ought to have provoked feelings of loneliness, of isolation. Never did she meet another person who shared both sides of her heritage, or, more accurately, anyone who was raised participating in both cultures, as she was. When her mother went missing in action, Fareeha seemed to be the only person in the world who would admit that Ana was not a perfect person—she loved her mother, of course, does still, but felt then and now that little is gained by pretending that lost loved one is someone they were not, erasing their humanity by rendering them a figurehead, a hero. Then, living with the knowledge that her mother was alive, when all others, including her father, believed Ana to be dead, Fareeha was truly and certainly alone in the world, unable to share with anyone what she knew, and to process what she felt about the situation.

Despite this, however, Fareeha has never felt herself to be a lonely person. At times, she has felt lonely, of course, and she has been in a number of lonely circumstances, but even so, loneliness has never been the defining point in her existence. 

As much as she wanted someone who could understand her dual heritage, she still primarily felt pride when thinking of her people, both of them, and she knows she would not trade her identity for another, would not want to be ale to be better understood at the expense of her identity. Her experience of losing her mother, and wanting people to remember the truth of Ana, rather than her public image, similarly could have been a lonely experience, but this time, instead, her reaction was colored by guilt—why could she not be kinder to her mother’s memory? Why did she feel the need to be honest, when it was clear that others did not want to hear it? Then, when she learned her mother was alive, that guilt turned not to loneliness, but to anger, anger at her mother for having put her in a position to feel that guilt, anger at herself for not having dropped everything to search for Ana, when she was first declared missing, and anger about the situation itself, because she felt that she had no right course of action, no way forward that was not in some way a compromise of her morals.

All of these times, she could have been lonely—and to some degree, she was—but still, loneliness has rarely been the most important emotion Fareeha experiences at any given time, is not her default reaction to any situation. For her, focusing on the loneliness she is experiencing feels passive, like an acceptance of a situation she does not want to be in. She would rather act than ruminate on that feeling, rather find a way to escape the experience, or, should that not be possible, find a way to make the experience meaningful for herself.

(Of course, this does not mean that she is dismissive of other people’s loneliness. It may not be in her nature to feel that emotion most keenly, but she knows that others do, sees the way it hurts them, and knows that they may experience, instead, less guilt than she has in her life, or less anger, or less stubborn pride. Emotions themselves, she knows, are not evil, are not weak, are not indicative of poor character—although, certainly, some people choose to act on their emotions in a way which is not healthy, including, sometimes herself—and she does not think less of others for having a more acute awareness of the ways in which they are lonely. In her own wife, she can see clearly the ways in which loneliness is capable of breeding compassion for others.)

So Fareeha rarely feels lonely, even if she does not find loneliness to be an inherently bad thing.

Yet, now she feels it, and feels it keenly.

Unlike the many times previous in which Fareeha has had perfectly good reason to feel lonely, tonight, she cannot identify any such reason. She is not any more alone than she ever is—if anything, she is less. Her wife is asleep one room over, resting after having performed a fifteen-hour surgery, and their daughter is sleeping, too, slumped on top of Fareeha, having crashed out early in the evening after resisting her afternoon nap, insistent that she did not need sleep.

(Many young children are spirited, Fareeha knows, but she thinks she is beginning to get an inkling of what it means to curse someone by telling them _May you raise a child like yourself._ Dearly as Fareeha loves Izzah, and as important as she feels stubbornness has been in her own life, how central to remaining true to her identity, she is also beginning to empathize a bit with her own mother. Pleased as she is by the fact that her daughter is willing to assert herself, and to make her feelings known—it can be exhausting, sometimes, particularly given that Izzah is still at the age where sometimes, when she does not want to do something, her first response is to scream in frustration.)

Awake, Izzah is impossible to ignore—both because she is becoming aware, now, of the fact that her mothers both sometimes leave for a week or two at a time, and is more insistent upon being near them whenever she can be, in response to that, and because Fareeha does not _want_ to ignore her daughter, finds that Izzah is finally reaching the age where Fareeha loves her as a person, and not just because they are related, and wants to learn as much about who her daughter is becoming as she can—but that means that now, at naptime, things feel too quiet. There is no squeal of laughter when her daughter, just beginning to really understand jokes, finds something funny, no stomp of frustration when someone does something in what Izzah believes to be the wrong way, no happy little hum Izzah makes when she is combing the mane of her favorite stuffed animal, a horse given to her by her Uncle Jesse. 

Things are just… silent.

For a moment, Fareeha thinks that may be why it is that she feels lonely, all of a sudden. She is so often so busy, with work, with her family, with her various hobbies and all the other people outside her family with whom she wants to spend time, that she is unused, now, to having a moment of silent contemplation, unused to not having something else grabbing at her attention. Nothing else is different from any other moment in her life, and so she thinks that this must be the cause of her sudden loneliness.

Nearly as soon as she considers that position, however, she discards it. When she really thinks about it, she is alone more often than she realizes. The second half of her morning run is spent alone, when Angela returns to their quarters to shower and cook breakfast. Ana, also a habitually early riser, is watching Izzah at this time, so barring an emergency which requires Fareeha’s attention as the Strike Commander, she does not have to worry about anyone, or anything, disturbing her as she finishes out her 10km, and she quite enjoys that time alone with her thoughts. Similarly, on the evenings when Angela goes to bed before Fareeha herself does, because one or the other of them is suffering jetlag, Fareeha does not mind an hour or two to herself, likes to read, or to watch things Angela does not enjoy as much as she does, or to do some chore or another without worrying that anyone will need anything from her while she does so. In fact, Fareeha is realizing that she quite likes her time alone, when she has it—an hour or two with only her thoughts for company can be refreshing, even if it is in the lull between meetings, or flying somewhere for a mission, when everyone else is distracted reading, or sleeping, or doing whatever else it is they need to in order to clear their head before a fight.

Yet she rarely thinks of that time in the context of being _alone_ , because she does not feel lonely, even then, is much too surrounded, the rest of the time, by people whom she cares about, to even register that her being alone may be a factor in her happiness in those moments—focuses instead only on the fact that she is enjoying a moment of quiet, not unlike the moments of quiet she enjoys with her wife by her side, or when she goes fishing with friends. The quiet is more remarkable to her, then, than the aloneness, and so she does not generally think of herself as being a person who enjoys time alone, even if, now that she considers it, that is certainly the case.

Therefore, it seems clear to her that she is not feeling lonely because she is more alone in this moment than she is in most—because she is, in fact, more often alone than she tends to think, and, too, because she enjoys much of that time.

But if that is not why she is feeling lonely, then why might she? 

Today has not been particularly eventful, it is true, but that is not something she generally finds lonely, or thinks of as being a bad thing. In fact, she was not alone at all for much of the day, even if it has been a rare day off. In the morning, she had breakfast with her own mother, with Izzah in tow, and then took Izzah to watch the new construction on base, standing a safe distance away and watching, where Izzah can ask as many questions as she likes without Fareeha worrying about her deciding that she wants to ask one of the workers a question and darting off towards them before she can be caught.

(Lately, Izzah is very fascinated by the _why_ of things, very interested in knowing how the world around her functions. Angela discovered this particular manifestation of that interest when she happened to walk Izzah past the build site, only to realize that Izzah was far more entertained by the construction than the idea of feeding ducks. As far as interests go, it is not a terrible one, even if Fareeha has had to apologize to the foreman and explain that no, she is not trying to make anyone there feel as if she, or anyone in Overwatch leadership, is checking up on them to ensure they do their work, because she trusts them—it is just that her young daughter likes cranes and other heavy machinery. At least it amused him, and the next time she brought Izzah out to watch him work, he let her try on a spare hard hat, which she loved.)

It is true that time with a three-year-old is not a substitute for the company of adults, but she has plenty of that, too, and only spent so much time alone with Izzah today because, in anticipation of having the day off, she had told Izzah’s daycare that her daughter would be absent. Originally, Angela, too, was supposed to have the day off, and they had plans to go out as a family for much of the day, but emergency surgery is called such for a reason, and so Fareeha was happy to instead entertain Izzah alone.

Although she was a bit disappointed that Angela could not join them, both she and her wife agreed, before they ever decided to enter into a relationship, that their jobs are important—both to themselves, and to the people whom they are able to help through their work—and she accepts that sometimes, Angela is going to have to miss family plans because she has to save someone’s life, just as Fareeha herself sometimes needs to cancel things because something on a mission goes wrong, and it is her responsibility to everyone serving under her to ensure that everyone comes home safely, even if she is not in the field with them, at the time. And, in any case, any disappointment she feels is not _loneliness,_ because she certainly does not feel like she is raising their daughter alone, feels that the two of them do an equal amount of work, even if there are certain aspects of childrearing that each of them is more suited to.

(That being said, Izzah seems to have made a concerted effort to force the two of them out of their comfort zones, managing to fall ill only when Angela is away on a mission, and Fareeha is left to decide whether or not she has a cold or needs to see a pediatrician, and asking of Angela why it is that Angela does not look like the rest of the family. Try as they might to stick to their respective strengths, the reality of parenting is such that neither Fareeha nor Angela are able to assign any particular aspect of taking care of their daughter to one another.)

So that, too, is not a reason why Fareeha might be lonely—even when she is alone with her daughter, she has never felt alone in the raising of her, never felt that one or the other of them misses out on either the fun parts of caring for Izzah or the more difficult ones. Motherhood can be lonely, Fareeha knows, has heard as much from other mothers who feel that society or a spouse pressure them to have no personality besides that of being a parent, think that they cease to be themselves when they become mothers, but that has, fortunately, not been her experience, no doubt in large part because she is not her daughter’s only mother.

(For a time, when Izzah was still a baby, Angela did struggle with that loneliness, in making the transition to motherhood in a way that did not involve punishing herself for doing things besides minding their baby. She worried that her desire to spend time in the field again meant that she was not prioritizing Izzah enough, that needing to spend time on things besides caring for their daughter, rather than being content with being a mother alone, meant that she was somehow taking for granted the fact that they finally had the baby they had wanted for three years. Fortunately, Fareeha was able to help disabuse her of that notion, and once the both of them returned to missions, and working longer hours—even if they took care not to do so at the same time, until Izzah was over a year old—Angela no longer felt that having their daughter had separated them from the rest of their teammates, and was more able to leave Izzah in someone else’s care for a little while whilst she spent time with their adult friends _without_ worrying about a baby.)

No, Fareeha does not feel lonelier, now that they have their daughter—and is grateful for such, is grateful that, unlike her own mother, she has never been the only mother in her workplace, or among her friends.

Really, the longer she thinks about it, there is no reason she should feel lonely right now, and that is frustrating in and of itself. She has a happy life, a full one, with people who love her, people whom she loves. Even now, as she is thinking this, she has her daughter asleep on top of her. Most days she is quite happy with her life, or at the very least content, and so she does not know why she does not feel that way at the moment, thinks that what she has should be enough for her.

And it is, most days. Most days are not like today, are so full and busy that she has not the time to think about loneliness, even when she is alone. Most days, she is happy, even alone, is content with only her own thoughts to entertain her. Most days, she thinks that the life she is living now is brighter and more wonderful than she could ever have imagined.

So maybe it is okay that she is having this one moment of loneliness, even if she cannot find a cause for it. Were it not for this moment, she might not have reflected upon all that it is she does have—which is more than she once dared dream.

Her career is what she hoped it to be, and more. There are difficult parts to being a soldier, yes, are ways in which the work that she does has done moral injury to her, are people she could not save, whom she still thinks about, are mistakes she has made which haunt her, sometimes, in the dead of night, but despite all that, she is mostly quite happy to do what she does, for she feels that the work she has done, in the EAF, with Helix, and now leading Overwatch, restoring it to what it should have been, is good work, and knows that at the end of the day, she has done far more good than harm.

(This is not to say that the harm does not bother her, because it does, but it _should,_ because it fuels her to do better, to be better, to change policies such that things will not go wrong again. For the most part, however, she has learned to think of her work as Pharah as being separate from herself, as Fareeha, and so when she comes home, she does not bring that pain with her, most days, and when she does—when she does Angela is there for her, is there to comfort her, and to help her keep perspective, to know when her feelings of personal responsibility morph into an inappropriate level of guilt.)

Her work gives her purpose, and she is glad that she is able to do it, and even more happy that she has been able to have her career and to find someone, too, to love who understands what her career means to her, someone who is similarly dedicated to her own work, someone who does not begrudge her the fact that sometimes, work is a higher priority than date night. If Fareeha had had to choose between a relationship and a career, Fareeha knows she would have chosen her career—past relationships have borne that out—but she is grateful to have found someone who did not ask her to make that choice, feels lucky to be able to have both things. Angela, too, did not imagine that she would ever be able to balance her own life’s work with a relationship, and yet here they are, married, and even parents.

Although she certainly prefers raising Izzah with Angela, Fareeha thinks that even if she had never found someone, she would have wanted to be a mother. Complicated as it is, Fareeha’s relationship with her own mother has always been incredibly important to her, has shaped her like no other, and so to be able to experience motherhood herself is something she wanted for a long time. What she did not expect was the ways in which having her own child has been healing, for her, has helped her to understand what her mother did right, and helped her, too, to see the ways in which which her mother failed her, and the things which the Crisis took from the both of them. These days, Fareeha and Ana get along well, for they have worked hard to move past the pain of their past, and they never stopped caring for each other—but there were still wounds that repairing their relationship could not fully heal, and Fareeha finds that in some ways, raising her own daughter has been the balm she did not know she needed.

Everything she dreamed of growing up, she has, now, even if the path to get here has not been as easy as she would have hoped, as painless. Most days, she is happy, and she feels she should be.

But sometimes—sometimes she is not. It is normal, she knows, to be sad sometimes, for everyone, but she knows, too, that there have been times that she has been sadder than is normal, or than she feels is appropriate for her circumstances.

That, too, is something that she is okay with. It was a problem, in the past, might be still were it not for the fact that, after it became apparent that Angela was really struggling, when Izzah was nine months old, Fareeha and Angela had a serious conversation about their mental health, about how this might affect their daughter to grow up with, and they made the decision to seek treatment, both of them.

They do not really discuss it with one another much, because Angela’s experiences with mandatory mental health intervention when she was a ward of the state were incredibly unpleasant, and ultimately did her more harm than good, and because, too, Fareeha spent her entire career, up until recently, terrified that a diagnosis would mean discharge, would mean that she was not fit for duty, any longer, and the portion of her identity which is being a soldier would be taken from her by force. That sort of fear, of forced silence, is difficult to unlearn, even when it comes to confiding in someone one loves and trusts more than any other—and that is fine, is all well and good, as long as they are doing what they can to be healthy and present for their daughter. 

They know the specifics of one another's diagnoses, because knowing such cannot hurt, but when they talk about their mental health, it is most often in the context of saying _I’m having a bad day today,_ or _I need you to help me by doing this_ , rather than by using any medical terminology, because they both feel that the symptoms themselves are more relevant to their day to day existence than the diagnosis behind them, and because it is easier, too, for them to focus upon only the parts of their diagnoses which they have the power to change, or mitigate. As far as Fareeha is aware, neither of them do therapy, but Fareeha finds that medication has managed her symptoms quite well, and Angela seems to be doing better, too, and to have a better understanding of herself, of what is a facet of her personality, and what is something which, if it causes her distress, she _can_ treat. 

They both are happier, Fareeha thinks, and it shows in the ways they interact with their daughter. Fareeha knows that she is less restless, which makes it easier for her to patiently answer ever one of Izzah's seemingly endless questions, and Angela worries less, over Izzah, and is more able to handle situations which, Fareeha knows, used to cause her significant distress. Neither of them is _fixed,_ or cured, or anything of the sort, but they are able to better care for themselves, and therefore better able to care for one another, and their daughter, which was their goal, in doing this.

(Both of them were relieved, too, to learn that certain things about themselves were not necessarily diagnosable as being the result of any particular condition. For years, Fareeha worried that the way in which she thinks of her work as Pharah as being separate from herself was a sign that something was very wrong with her, even if she did not know what it could be, spent years afraid that, if she discussed that, the degree to which she compartmentalized her work, it would result in a discharge from service—instead, it was an unhealthy level of compartmentalization, but not anything she could not work to change, as she has in the past two years. She did not have to let go of that way of thinking of herself entirely, only had to ensure that the way in which she did it was still serving to help her, rather than distressing her further. Angela was similarly relieved to learn that some of the quirks of her personality were just that, quirks, and she did not have to change those parts of herself if she did not want to, and if they were not hurting her.)

So it was a good thing, in the end, for each of them to see a psychiatrist, even if they still do not like talking about their mental health, particularly, still are learning what language feels right, for them, to describe what it means, to have a diagnosis, what it means to accept that there are things about themselves they could not _will_ into being, and that their thoughts and emotions have not always been entirely under their control. They are getting better about it, as time passes, are slowly learning to have those conversations in more detail, and with any luck, by the time Izzah is old enough that they will have to start watching to see if she inherited Fareeha’s predisposition towards certain problems, they will be able to have an open and honest conversation with her.

Fortunately, that should be several years away, still, and so far, Izzah is a very happy, well-adjusted three-year-old. Maybe, she will be lucky, and she will not have the same struggles her mothers have had, but if she is not—if she is not, they will have done the work by then to be able to support her, to ensure that, unlike the two of them, she is not well into adulthood before she does what she needs to in order to care for herself.

Part of that work is Fareeha coming to accept that sometimes, even with medication, she will still sometimes feel things that she does not think she ought to. Having what she wants in life, a family that loves her, good friends, and the career of her dreams, does not mean that she is always going to be happy, does not mean that she will never have bad days.

Today, that comes in the form of loneliness. She is still adjusting to the fact that, even on medication, sometimes her feelings do not stem from her own actions, or circumstances, and so it took her a little while to identify the source of that emotion as being not her circumstances, but her brain chemistry, but she has reached that point, nonetheless, and now that she has identified that the source of her feeling is not a circumstance which she can change, or an ongoing situation which she must learn to reframe, she can decide, instead, to accept that, at this moment, she is lonely. There is no cause to be, but that does not mean that what she feels is any less true.

And that—that she can work with. Her feeling, although she cannot immediately change it, is a legitimate one, and one that she can, at least, mitigate.

Even if that action cannot mean erasing loneliness, or redirecting it, as has historically been her preference, she can still _act_ , and that Fareeha will always prefer to inaction, will always find more comfort in than simple acceptance, because that desire to act, unlike her emotions, is part of the core of her being.

Carefully, she moves to stand, ensuring that she does not wake Izzah as she does so. Izzah stirs a bit, makes small grumpy sound and shifts in Fareeha’s arms, but does not wake, and when she settles again, Fareeha walks, slowly and carefully, to Izzah’s room, lays her carefully down in bed. She half wakes when this happens, dark eyes blinking sleepily up at Fareeha, but she goes immediately back to sleep when Fareeha runs a soothing hand through her hair, their version of _shhhh_.

For a minute or two, Fareeha lingers, wanting to ensure that Izzah is fully asleep, again, that she will not wake fully, and decide that, because the sun has not yet set, one of her mother’s ought to be playing with her. Thankfully, Izzah seems to still be tired, and they may pay for this in the morning, if Izzah wakes too early, but for now, Fareeha wants to take care of herself, and so she is happy to let her daughter sleep.

Certain, now, that it will not disturb her, she plants a kiss on Izzah’s forehead, runs a finger through her curly hair, and leaves her to sleep—hopefully, for the night.

Just in case Izzah does wake, Fareeha leaves the hall light on as she makes her way to her own bedroom. At three, Izzah is still sometimes afraid of the dark, particularly if she wakes and finds herself unexpectedly somewhere different from where she fell asleep, so this way she will not be too scared if she decides to try and find her mothers in the middle of the night.

In many ways, Fareeha and Angela have found themselves restructuring their lives to accommodate their daughter, from the light in the hallway at night to the little stepstool they have at the side of the bed, for if she tries to come find them in the middle of the night and needs to shake them awake. Ultimately, however, Fareeha regrets none of it, and in some cases, it has benefited her, too, in the long run.

Cases such as this: now, when she feels lonely out of nowhere, she does not blame herself for the feeling, does not tell herself that it is stupid to feel that way, when she has so few reasons to feel lonely in life. Instead, she gets into bed with her wife, and shakes Angela awake.

A grumble, from Angela and then, signed, “One moment.”

Fareeha laughs, at that, “I’m not Izzah.”

That wakes Angela up a little more fully. “Sorry,” says she, finally opening her eyes and half sitting up. “Is it important?” 

Usually, after very long surgeries, Angela does not appreciate being woken even for meals, wants to just be allowed to sleep until she wakes on her own—and usually, Fareeha honors that. Izzah, being three, is not quite as good at understanding what classifies as _important_ , and so it is reasonable that Angela assumed that it was their daughter trying to rouse her.

Once, what Fareeha classified as important was different too, and she would have, in fact, been ashamed to admit that she needs this—but these days, she has come to accept that yes, her emotional needs, even the ones she is embarrassed by, are important.

“I just need you to hold me,” says she, “I don’t mind if you’re asleep while you do.”

A subtle shift in Angela’s face, and her tone—worry. “Are you sure that’s all?” She knows, by now, what needing to be held is often code for, a deeper sadness, or a need to feel grounded in the here and now.

“Yes,” Fareeha promises, “I’m only lonely.”

(Only, in the sense that her loneliness has never been the catastrophic sort, and not _only_ to mean that she finds the feeling itself unimportant.)

“Alright,” Angela says, although her tone suggests that she is worried still, “Come here, then.”

Angela pulls up the blankets enough so that Fareeha can climb under them, and Fareeha gladly accepts the invitation, settling in against her wife, her back to Angela’s front, so that Angela can curl around her. It used to be that she was not comfortable with anyone holding her from behind, even Angela, but as time has gone by, she has found that she recognizes Angela’s scent well enough, now, and finds it comforting enough, that she need not worry about waking in the night and panicking. These days, it is a comfort to be held.

“I love you,” Angela tells her, sotto voce, as she wraps her arms firmly around Fareeha.

“I love you, too,” says she, and means it, means, too, that in Angela’s arms she feels safer than anywhere else.

It does not cure her loneliness, to feel the way her wife’s breathing gradually slows as she drifts back to sleep, curled protectively around Fareeha, but it does mitigate it, somewhat, is a reminder that there are people who love her, no matter how lonely she feels, that there is someone who knows even the parts of herself that she finds most unpleasant—the vulnerability, the ways in which she does not have the total control that she pretends to, when she is working—and who is not bothered by that, who still finds value in Fareeha, just as she is, sees something in her worth loving.

For Izzah, Fareeha is trying to be healthy, and with Angela, Fareeha is learning to accept what it means to be fallible, and to be honest enough with herself about her feelings that she can share them fully with another person.

And for herself?

For herself, Fareeha is learning to live with her emotions, is learning that it is not a failure, to feel lonely, sometimes, does not make her ungrateful, or mean that there is some shortcoming in her life that she has not addressed.

Sometimes, Fareeha is lonely. She does not have to hide that from herself anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> thats right... fareeha and angela FINALLY bit the bullet and started working on their mental health! ive been easing them towards this point for literally four years of fics (and still have to get off my ass and rewrite/post the 2016 fic in which they were like. "we should probably both get therapy but i dont want to. do u?" and mutually decide against it for a while. obvs they change their decision several yrs later when their daughters' wellbeing is on the line). and yes... eventually in the plighted hands timeline they even try actual therapy rather than just medication but theyre not that point yet here... give them another six in-timeline years
> 
> but anyway. yes. mental health! fareeha and angela are working on it!! i havent mentioned an exact diagnosis for either of them on purpose, btw, bc altho i do have specific dx's in mind when i write them... idk since im not a mental health professional and there is a lot of nuance to diagnosing ppl, i dont want to misrepresent anything (even tho i have at least one of the dx's ive been writing them with). lmao im just personally anxious abt it. if ur horribly curious just hunt me down on other social media and dm me
> 
> also for 12+hr surgeries you _usually_ have two shifts of surgeons, but the lead surgeon still has to stay the whole time in most of those cases while the rest of the team rotates out, bc continuity is important. angela would presumably be lead surgeon since everything in her lore suggests she would be the most experienced/competent surgeon on most any team. surgery is pretty demanding mentally (and, when ur doing it that long, physically) so yeah thats exhausting. i did ask a couple of the surgeons i know abt this. bc i have no dignity i was even honest about why i was asking LMFAO
> 
> tl;dr they are finally taking steps to take better care of themselves! which hopefully u enjoyed!! pls lmk ur thoughts if u have any bc yeah, idk, i like when ppl comment on things. it makes me happy
> 
> hope ur all hanging in there!


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